Title Helping Parents with Contact issues
Funding round 2
Couple A have recently adopted three children, all of whom are under three years old. Both direct and indirect contact with the birth mother are part of the adoption plan for the children. Couple A have started the plan with a positive outlook towards indirect contact, and we have helped them with this further by giving them sample letters showing the kinds of letters they might like to write to their children's birth mother.
However, couple A experienced some feelings of apprehension around direct contact. This is common in adoptive parents, and in this case there were specific issues couple A were struggling with. Firstly, although it seemed that a positive relationship could be developed with the birth mother, there was some conflict between the birth mother and her extended family regarding the contact arrangements, and couple A were concerned that this could cause problems at direct contact meetings. The second issue was that the birth mother was expecting another baby and wanted the three adopted children to have a relationship with the new child. As the new child was expected to be removed from her and placed in foster care, the couple A had mixed feelings about how complicated the prospect of direct contact was becoming.
They contacted 'Connections through Contact' after having seen one of our posters. They explained their situation to us and to the other participants and sought advice as to how to explain the complexities of their position to their very young children. They discussed their feelings and anxieties with the other parents and with the leaders, and we referred them to some texts on parental guidance around contact. We also suggested the 'Nutmeg' series of books for adopted children, which deals with contact issues (receiving and writing letters, new siblings etc) in a child focused way.
We also helped Couple A to think about how they wanted to define contact, and how they wanted their role to work. Parents in their situation often feel disempowered and that they have to submit to other parties' plans for contact whereas they may want to be more involved in making decisions about how it should work. Much of the work we did with them was around reassuring them that they have a voice in the arrangements and improving their confidence in their role as the children's parents.
Having attended the course Couple A said they felt better equipped to take up the issues facing them. The course had helped reaffirm them as parents and had given them the confidence to continue, more positively with direct contact.
We feel this family are committed to indirect contact (letterbox) and that this is definitely going to be an ongoing part of their lives. They are also clearer about what they can expect from direct contact and more confident that they can deliver on the plans they make, both in the long term and the short term for the collective benefit of all parties involved.